Match Your Particular Strain of Sadness to the Shit Reality TV Show That Will Cheer You Up
Your Sadness: You're upset about Donald Trump and wondering how humanity has become so indoctrinated by propaganda masquerading as sensationalist journalism that you just want to eat ice cream and weep softly.
TV Show: The Valleys - Follows a group of Welsh millennials trying to find their place in the world by trying out a series of vocational jobs each week. Spoiler alert: the guys become questionable "Macbook wielding DJ" staples of the Cardiff party scene, the girls become glamour models. All balance is restored in the world.
Why It Works: It's so unabashed about it own tackiness and it's crushing exploitation of it's subject's lowest moments that it's almost refreshing. The realisation that humanity could, in fact, stoop further than you initially thought will give you some food for thought about the need for a better education system in the UK whilst also reassuring you about how un-terrible you are as a person.
Your Sadness: You wanted to at least buy something from the Topshop sales but the knitted flares you saw when they were full price are only left in a size UK 4.
TV Show: The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - A series following the day-to-day activities of glamorous women with more money than sense.
Why It Works: It will vicariously fill the material void in your life with diamonds and prime real estate. The outrageous spending is mediated by some genuinely heartwarming B-stories about prescription drug addiction and enduring female friendships which might lift your spirits just high enough to acknowledge that we all face the same universal struggle for peer acceptance. Also Lisa Vanderpump. Lisa Vanderpump makes everything OK again.
Your Sadness: Tom won't text back. It's been three hours, and you can see your ' Got any weekend plans? x' text slowly rotting away it's pixels as it sits in his Whatsapp inbox, even though he's been online on Facebook chat all day. Also, you only sent the message with one kiss, so what's he that scared of anyway?
TV Show: Marriage Boot Camp Bridezillas - Does what it says on the tin. Dysfunctional women shouting at knuckle headed men more worthy of being designated lumpy meat props than loving husbands.
Why It Works: It will put your boy problems into perspective as you realise the two universal truths of life. Women will always be crazy, and men will always be useless. Also there's a hot Asian psychologist who struts around in a tight pencil skirt sounding authoritative, and if that doesn't perk you up, I don't know what will.
Your Sadness: You live in London and your rent is so high. SO darn high. You'll have to lay off the uber-habit for a month or two because you are broke-as.
TV Show: Ladies of London - Follows the 'Real Housewives Of...' Premise but because it's English it feels less vulgar and disgusting even though it is, of course, just as vapid and heart-breakingly bleak.
Why It Works: Even the Ladies of London have to downsize. Seeing the less fortunate among the ladies 'struggle' in a 4 bed terraced house in Balham that is probably worth as much in monetary terms as all the chateaus in France combined justifies the £700 PCM you spend on your leaky shoe box sized living-pod in Zone 3 right? Right?
Your Sadness: You feel like North Korea might just up and surprise us one day, blasting the Evil West into nuclear nothingness but when you air your concerns, your friends tell you to 'lighten up' or 'stop worrying about abstract geopolitical dilemmas that the common man is powerless to influence.'
TV Show: America's Next Top Model - Girls (and sometimes guys, wow so progressive 2K16) compete for a modelling contract that promises to change their lives. Tyra Banks resides over a mansion of wannabe models that, every series without fail, becomes increasingly covered in all manner of Tyra, until presumably one day when we will have mastered biological shrinking technology and the entire series will be filmed from the interior of her spleen. Lovely.
Why It Works: I get it - the world is an unpredictable, scary place. Well why not wallow in the joy that no matter how much producers try and introduce wild cards and black swans into this TV show's format, there's always a southern Christian girl who is 'just from a small town and not sure she's ready for this,' a black girl who is full of sass and a beefy guy who is muscular but 'not quite model material just yet, but keep learning and growing.' Ahhhh, I feel safer and warmer already.
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