Being Busy: The Good, The Bad and the Chest Pain
I haven't written a longish article on here for a while - sadly blogging has taken a backseat as I have generated revenue for website development (exciting stuff) by selling off some of my old clothes. But I must never forget how much I love writing nor get out of practice doing so, because as my lecturers like to remind me I do write with some form of 'flair' (whether that flair suits academia, I'll leave them to decide!)
I'm at a point in my life where nothing is simple anymore. Having a boyfriend is no longer having a boyfriend, but having a potential room-mate or husband. Getting a job is no longer about working on Saturdays here and there for cash-in-hand deals. Finding somewhere to live will no longer be about managed accommodation where the most work you have to do to maintain is is traipse down past reception once a week to do your laundry. Despite my love of independence and autonomy, it's also daunting; and for a natural worrier with a tendency to contemplate my future at night, it doesn't make for a relaxing time.
I had hoped that after this last episode in hospital and operation I could take it easy, finish my masters degree and stay busy but relaxed... Unfortunately my ultimate goal is to be an entrepreneur running my own venture which is apparently anathema to a low key lifestyle pace.
I had to catch up on Uni work whilst studying for my exam (thank goodness I only had one this term) and try to compensate for the group work I had missed. I then finally found someone who could develop my website idea on a very cheap basis and had to work extra to put some money that would fund that. Then I remembered my incapability to stay still and/or say no to social occasions meant that my calendar soon filled up and *suddenly* I was busy again.
Busyness is a godsend but also a curse: It's a distraction but it can also be the source of physical pain. I try to save money by shopping at the large supermarket that is a good 20 minute walk away from me in town - carrying even a small quantity of food back home results in pain and then anxiety surrounding that pain of 'what if something's gone wrong' (The very least amount of shopping I can do is buy some milk - and it turns out that a pint of milk + anything = heavy, and I need that milk for my coffee dammit!)
In spite of the overwhelming impulse I am following to keep busy and distracted and fulfilled, I can feel myself getting worn out. I get overly emotional at smaller silly things (I cried last night because of an article on assisted suicide, I cried today because of an old couple being reunited after 70 years apart...) and I find it hard to not become grumpy when I get home from the day and sit in my room alone in my student flat where no one is really friends with each other.
I was miserable in London because I hated what I was doing but I had great flatmates that I loved - here, I love what I do on a daily basis but I come home to a really lonely atmosphere that feels desperately lonely even to an only child like me. It doesn't help having a boyfriend that is constantly flying around the world without me who is still 5 hours away even when he is at home.
It seems that it's quite impossible to strike a balance between the two, but I'm hoping that as I've just moved to Newcastle recently I will be able to build a network of friends here - it takes a while to meet people, especially people you get along with well enough to become mates, and so I'm trying not to get too bogged down by my current situation. Sometimes the most frustrating realisation of all is acknowledging that there's not much you can do to speed up a situation or change things, and that you have to let things evolve organically at their own frustrating pace.
It's difficult to know exactly how busy to stay without wearing yourself out, especially if you're worried about your health - but I know that this is the kind of thing that can only by solved with trial and error; so I think I'll have to hurt my back a few more times carrying groceries before I learn my lesson once and for all.